scattergirl

April 15, 2004

Get this crap out of my system already :: 21:11

I've been down for a while now.

I'm usually prone to self-analysis when things are out of whack, but it's been hard wrapping my head around this downer of a feeling I've carried for a long time. I get stumped because I think, I'm getting married this year, I've just celebrated 2 years with my beau and I really should feel on top of the world. So what gives?

Well, I told myself yesterday, let's step back and look at ALL the things that make me happy and stable, in broad, clear strokes:

1) Relationships
Things are great with the beau, that's covered.
Friends. Well, not so good. Here I'm talking best friends, those who take the initiative with you regularly (and vice-versa) to really relate to you. You want to hear what they have to say, you want to be heard by them, a night out with them is a treat, and it feels free. You get me. I've always has very few friends like that, like most people I guess. And my 2 best friends have been unavailable to me for about a year now. One is out of state, and the other is... just plain unavailable. (I'm not trying to be demeaning to any other friend reading this and feeling left out. It's so hard to put it like this but I have to.) Other relationships? Family. My parents moved out of state 2 years ago. My only family in town, my little brother, never, ever takes the initiative with me. My older brother is out of state and has practically become a stranger.

2) Spirituality.
I'm open-minded enough, I think, to be able to draw and learn a lot from several religions, and I think I have. But in my meanderings the last few years (including that nearly-fundamentalist dive into Christianity) I'm absolutely, no holds-barred certain of one thing: down where I really live, in my hard-wired, basic view of reality, I will never be capable of believing anything other than the teachings of zen buddhism. That exploration turned out to be a one-way street, (if you'll excuse the pun, ONE way, haha) in that I can never go back. It'd be like asking me if I could ever stop believing the earth is round. I haven't seen it for myself, but nothing is going to convince me otherwise. And I've been utterly blocked there for YEARS now. I can't even make myself accept a dinner invitation to my zen teacher's house, even as a straight let's-be-nice hang. My block freaks me out too much, colors everything.

3) Financial stability
Mwaha. Ha. Hahahahahahaha. For the past year I've had to make do on an income below 40% what I've been making each of the last 5 years. With the same bills as before. I have exactly 3 pairs of pants that are wearable to work. Blah blah blah blah I'm so tired of this. It's getting better but I still don't trust it, I don't feel out-of-the-woods even one bit. I was going to throw a party with my first real paycheck from the temp agency, but bills keep getting in the way.

4) Sense of achievement. See all of the above. I haven't taken pleasure in painting since December. I feel blocked again there too, and I'm sure the above has a lot to do with it, though not everything. It's just hard to be creative outwardly when the stuff coming in feels so crappy. It's hard to feel good about what you do when you don't feel much good about yourself otherwise, to be brutal about it.

Stir into all that the world situation right now.

Yes, I'm supremely happy to be getting married to my beau. 2 years and not an ounce of doubt about that. But with everything else the way it is, it's what's keeping me sane. I'm so, so grateful I have that. If everything else was ok, they could film me and put it in a really sappy, silly, slap-happy chick flick. But it's not.

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