March 06, 2004

... :: 16:45

Woke up this morning from one of the saddest dreams I've ever had.

There was a world invasion of some sort. The details don't matter. It was night and I was outside a house frantically looking for my family. There was a lot of commotion, as people knew that in 10 or 15 minutes at most, almost everyone was going to get killed.

My dad found me. He said there was almost no time and I had to calm down and listen very carefully. He said he'd found a way for me and my brother to survive the attack. As he explained, I understood that his plan would work, but that it would entail certain death for him in the next 10 minutes. My eyes immediately filled with tears and I couldn't speak. I just looked at him, filled with pain, and he stood there looking back at me, shaken but under control, knowing it was crazy that these were our last moments together and there was nothing that could be said in those 10 minutes, except I love you, and we both already knew that beyond words.

Finally he said "I've lived a lot longer than you, you know." Like it would make his sacrifice livable for me. I thought about saying no and just dying with him but I knew I couldn't make that decision for my brother, and that it wouldn't honor his will to sacrifice himself for us, if I didn't use that chance. There was NO time to do anything. He said "You have to go find your brother now. You have to go. Go."

I looked at him one more time, then turned and ran, started looking for my brother, trying not to think about anything but that. Saving the pain and the thinking for later. "Just look for your brother, not now, don't think about it, don't think about it."

I woke up crying and still, throughout the day, thinking about the dream makes me cry. Because in real life, that IS the way my dad would be. He would make that choice, not only out of love, but the logical side of him would think just like that... "I've lived longer than you, I've seen more of the world than you. You should have the chance to continue."

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